A wedding gown and tuxedo are “clothing,” and so are bathing suits. Yet, a couple would not wear a bikini and swim trunks while exchanging vows in a church or temple. Neither would they wear formal attire to the beach. Unless the wedding was at the beach. Then either option might work.
So while all clothing is clothing, some clothing is more appropriate at times than other clothing depending on the context. What should I wear, where can I wear it, and why am I wearing it? The sociology and psychology of clothing is fascinating.
For many years I have pondered the question of why it seems inappropriate to wear underwear to the beach (please don’t judge my brain). Granted, the fabric matters as bathing suits are made to get wet and cotton boxers are not. But, think about it: from a form and function perspective, underwear and bathing suits are very similar as the same amount of our bodies are usually exposed regardless of which we are wearing.
So what really is stopping us? Why does it feel “wrong” to us to wear underwear at the beach? According to scientific studies, the inhibition comes from the most powerful and pervasive fear people have: embarrassment.
In her book, You Have More Influence Than You Think, Vanessa Bohns, a professor at Cornell University, shares that study after study show the crippling effect fear of embarrassment has on people’s behavior. So much so, she says, that about 5,000 people a year die from choking on food. Rather than draw attention to themselves, the person choking will excuse themselves from the table, go somewhere else, and die.
And what does fear of embarrassment generate? Conformity. Behavior that is appropriate for that environment and will not subject us to ridicule. We don’t want to be called out and feel foolish. If I walk outside dressed as a vampire, should I prepare to be mocked? In July, yes. At the end of October, no. Walking down the street in costume is deemed fun around Halloween. And at the beach, if I wear beach attire, I will not stand out as a weirdo.
“This whole piece is kinda ‘weirdo’ itself, John,” says my inside voice in a Jim Gaffigan-esque tone. “What does any of this have to do with influence and negotiation?”
I’m glad you asked. Embarrassment plays a tremendous role in influence and negotiation and is likely a huge barrier for many people who want to become better negotiators.
Robert Cialdini, in his classic book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, identifies the desire for conformity phenomenon as the element of “social proof.” This is the sense that you should do something because everyone else seems to be doing it. My favorite example is a standing ovation after a show. Even if you think the show does not warrant a standing ovation, you feel compelled to stand because every single person around you is standing. To be the one person in the theater not standing would be… embarrassing.
Knowing that the fear of embarrassment plays a critical role in influencing how we make decisions and behave, you can actually prepare for a negotiation so you can’t be/won’t feel embarrassed. Or, you can build a strategy of influence that makes the other party more comfortable in their decision making where they may be avoiding embarrassment.
For example, as Bohns points out, the underlying fear of embarrassment is why some people can’t say “no.” In a negotiation session with a group of people, if one party makes a bold ask, there is a moment of discomfort as everyone feels like someone is asking for something inappropriate.
“We want a 20 percent discount before we sign.”
To say “no” to that ask in that moment feels awkward to many people, like they are the ones being unreasonable. So less-experienced negotiators will concede or hem and haw with “I’ll get back to you” to end this painful moment.
Experienced negotiators are not embarrassed or concerned that “no” will create awkwardness because they expect to deal with a hard ask and know how to respond in a collaborative way that tests the legitimacy of the ask.
“You’re asking for a twenty percent discount without us changing scope? That’s a tough ask. Help me understand where that request is coming from now. We spent a lot of time on price and scope and it felt like we were aligned.”
Similarly, if we can phrase a response in such a way that the other party sees their disagreement as risking embarrassment to them, they may be influenced to say “yes.” For example, if I am trying to close a large technology services deal and after six months of shaping the project the other party suddenly says, “We need a twenty percent discount before we sign,” I will caution them that retooling the price at this stage can put the whole project at risk:
“You know, Tom, we’ve worked on the financials for the last six months and our focus has been on getting the right outcome for you. I can understand wanting to save some money as it’s a big program. But when a project fails, no one ever asks, ‘But hey, did you get a good discount?’ My goal is to make sure the project is successful for you, and cutting my costs now puts that at risk.”
Am I embarrassed for saying “no”? Absolutely not. I wrapped my answer in legitimacy, meaning I framed it in such a way that Tom’s request seemed unreasonable. Tom now faces a choice: continue with the price as is, or risk embarrassment (or worse) if the project is insufficiently funded.
And that word “legitimacy” can be the single most powerful word for you in navigating embarrassment in negotiations, or in life. “Legitimacy” is the notion of fairness, balance, or logic in why we ask for or do the things we do.
The “because” when you are establishing your legitimacy becomes the antidote to embarrassment. Yes, what I am doing seems unconventional or disruptive, but I have a good reason. It’s because…
“I am asking for a discount because my budget just got cut.”
“I can’t give you a discount because I need these highly-trained people.”
“I am standing up and asking for help because food is caught in my throat.”
“I am wearing underwear at the beach because I am a male model in a photo shoot.”
(Come on, you knew I’d get back to the underwear thing.)
So when a need to ask or act seems shrouded in potential embarrassment, prepare in advance by framing what you have to do in legitimacy. Shaping your thinking that “I have a darn good reason to be doing this” can dissipate that lurking cloud of embarrassment and, over time, you’ll find yourself building greater self-confidence and fearlessness in how you run the room.
(Photo by Cassie Gallegos)
