Everything we read and learn about negotiations is pointless if we are not competent at one basic skill: using the right words. On its face, that may sound like an obvious statement, but sometimes it feels like the research, articles and training on theory and strategy tend to make negotiating seem more complicated than it is. To quote William Ury, the co-author of “Getting to ‘Yes’”: “It’s not easy. But it’s simple.”
The simple aspect of negotiation (and any activity involving influence) is, in the end, someone has to talk to someone to persuade them to make a different decision. That’s it. The other party has a decision they have indicated they want to make, and the goal is to get them to change that decision to the one we would prefer they make. This is true whether we are engaged in diplomacy, sales, courtship or raising children; all activities of influence. How and what we communicate will determine whether we will be able to get the other party to say “yes” instead of “no.”
This may be what makes so many people anxious about negotiating because rarely are we taught the subtle art of persuasive communication in our traditional educational trajectory. Think about the difference between these two sentences in persuading a child to go to bed:
* “Your bedtime is 9 o’clock and I don’t want to hear any more complaining!”
* “You have your big game tomorrow and we should make sure you’re rested so you can do your best for the team, like always!”
Which is more likely to get the child to agree that it is in their best interests to go to bed? The statement that asserts authority and a hint of a threat? Or the one that highlights the child’s interests in performing well for the team in tomorrow’s game?
To shape the right messaging, one has to take time and prepare, thinking about what might be the primary interests (What outcome do they want?), consider options to propose (How else can we achieve the outcome?), and then shape the conversation in such a way that your proposal sounds more appealing than what they were thinking of doing.
Your proposal also has to be better than the other party’s alternative, or whatever they have indicated is the path they might follow. If your proposal is not better, why would they say “yes”? In sales, people often make the mistake of trying to change a client’s decision by emphasizing how good their product is instead of how much better the outcome will be. Consider these two responses to an objection:
* “We’re the number one provider for this product. I can give you references from many other companies in your industry who will tell you how good our product is.”
* “It sounds like achieving the targeted efficiencies has been a struggle with the current product. We know our product will drive those efficiencies in the next 12 months, and I have some other clients who can share their experience getting those outcomes.”
The first statement may be true, but it focuses on the provider and a notion of being “better.” The second statement shows empathy with the client’s problem and lays out a vision of how, working together, that problem will be resolved.
Successful negotiations are fundamentally about one thing: using the right words at the right time with the right person. It’s simple. But it’s not easy.
