Imagine entering a room where an emotionally charged person is holding a gun to their head, or the head of another person. Your job is to diffuse that situation and get everyone to safety. Pretty scary scenario, isn’t it?
Thankfully, never in my career have I had a negotiation where the stakes are literally life or death. But there are negotiators who handle such situations as a full-time job, and have to bring to safety people threatening self harm, or holding someone hostage. And, over the last several years, some of these highly-trained professionals who have navigated these intense engagements have written about and presented their strategies. There is a lot that we can learn from crisis negotiators.
In business negotiations, we typically have some existing level of commercial relationship between the parties. But in a crisis negotiation, there is no existing relationship. Everyone is likely meeting for the first time, and under very stressful circumstances. Establishing some level of trust really fast is critical to the crisis negotiator’s success. This requires a focus on communication (especially listening) to understand what has driven the other party to this moment, and what they “want” that may end the situation peacefully.
Lieutenant Scott Tillema, a police officer and trained crisis negotiator, lays out in his TED talk four key guidelines he uses when engaging with a highly-emotional person in a tense situation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CNRmhleJmk). I have found these four guidelines are also applicable to business negotiations, and Lt. Tillema’s advice can help us build greater trust in our commercial relationships, just as he builds trust in his role as a crisis negotiator.
1. Seek First to Understand: Before we even engage the other person, we should try to understand them. Do research. Know what we’re getting into. Then, start the conversation trying to understand the other party’s perspective on the situation. Slow things down. Learn what the other party wants. Don’t be in a hurry to be understood: understand the other’s perspective first.
2. It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It: Lt. Tillema points out that only seven percent of communication is in the actual words we use. Most is non-verbal. But one of the most impactful communication tools is tone. He uses the example, “Why are you here?” Say that sentence four times to someone, and each time emphasize a a different word. The impact of tone becomes quickly apparent.
3. Know When to Deliver Your Message: Many of us can’t wait to talk! As soon as there is a pause, we want to jump in and get our message heard. It won’t be heard if we have not built trust. While the other is talking, use “minimal encouragers” such as “yes,” and “mmm hmm.” Mirror their words.
Chris Voss, a former lead FBI negotiator, also recommends mirroring, and advises us to play back what we’ve heard without using the word “I” by starting, “It sounds like you…” or “It feels like you…” to put words on the emotions the other party is expressing. Our acknowledgement, and labeling, of their emotions, and understanding of their perspective, should result in the words, “That’s right.” When we hear, “That’s right,” Voss says we’ve made a connection. Now, we will be heard.
4. Know the Power of Respect: If we can only remember one of these tips, Lt. Tillema says, remember we are always talking to another human being who has feelings that matter. They don’t want to be embarrassed or humiliated. Maybe we don’t feel they deserve our respect, but they think they do: “There is tremendous power in unconditional respect,” he says.
Taking this kind of thoughtful approach to our professional engagements is sure to create deeper and more lasting relationships with the people with whom we do business.
I also recommend Chris Voss’s book, Never Split the Difference, for more insightful advice on how we can improve our skills as negotiators.
(Please share your own negotiation experiences below so, together, we can improve our negotiation mastery.)
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